FANTASIZING

Everyday I fantasize myself with my real family. Happy and all that. Not what I feel now. I feel bitter every time I have to go back to my hometown. I mean why? It's not like I'm bonding with them. So I fantasize the day I meet my mom and her home made meal.... I.. really wanted to eat that. It would be my first time. I really wish that what I dream now... my mom would be having the same dream with me too. I feel scared to meet her, well after I heard lot of not so encouraging stories from my friends. Haha. Well kids you don't experience what I feel. You can't be in my shoes cause you already have what I don't have. Sometimes I'd like to ask my friends, "so how your parents meet and fall inlove?" I frequent ask those questions because I wish I can ask mine. I ask my adopted mom and she slam me off with "it's none of your business." I really like to ask my friends how their families where like. Sometimes when I get really bored, I'd like to browsing some random happy family photos and on the bottom of the picture written there I Love You Dad. I Love You Mom. But all this kinda shattered when I read some article says there are some happy endings in biological families reunion and some of it just not happy ending. It scares me cause everyday I wake up I wish my ending would be the good ones. 

But really, I understand if she have a new family now and she wishes that I'm just a bump that should stay in the past. I understand. If anyone who could give me her exact address I won't be knocking at her door and says I'm your long lost child or maybe I hoped that she could welcome me. All I want is to see her from far... see how she look like. I wouldn't go there and ask her how did she get me and all that. To me if I just see her face it would be more than enough. 

I'M SAD

Baby Ken,

I should be honest with you right now. I need you to know how I feel.

• You're too emotional and it's hard for me to handle. I'm drowning and sinking in your love right now and I want to have a little air to breath.
• You know what I'm still a Muslim as much I want to hug you kiss you in public I have my time. And yes I don't feel uncomfortable when you keep like indirectly forcing me to kiss you or hug you.
• Even though I'm your girlfriend that you feel comfortable with I understand that but I want you to act like grown up man. PLEASE wipe your mouth you eat like a kid. I always have to remind you about this shit. 
• I want to have a NORMAL communication with you. I'm tired acting all cute or kawaii. I want to be me. Sometimes I talk to you like a friend of mine. WHEN you ask me to be all cute lovey dovey for you. Boy I'm getting bored and sick with it. It's like we can't communicate now AND I have to be someone else and not me.
• The invade privacy thing issue we experience yesterday.

I'M SCARED BECAUSE I GOT LOT MORE TO LOSE THAN YOU DO. SO YES I DON'T THINK I SHOULD BE HAPPY AFTER WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. I'M NOT LIKE YOU. YOU WAY FUCK UP PROUD YOU READ SOME OTHER PEOPLE EXPERIENCE ABOUT THIS THING.

You should understand one thing, I love you. I wish my life would be the same like yours. You can do anything. My life is the opposite of yours. I wish you could see and feel my life. I'm not allowed to do stuff that is not what my kind/people should be doing. Even if I don't look like them. I fear because I can't lie to myself that I am one of them. I can't be lovey dovey like I used too because I know it's a wrong thing to do. 

I can't keep on pretending I'm tired. Showing love affection is always what I wanted to do. But in this country we just can't. Face it. You can't always have what you want.

HAPPY NEW YEAR BABY I LOVE YOU

BABY KEN

Baby Ken,

You are always emotional,

You suppressed your emotions,

You are very loyal to me,

You love me and accept me for who I am,

You support me and never leave me when I need you,

You were there for me,

You are my only one,

You're the one that I love till forever,

You're special to me,

You're my life.

And I <3 you so much. Just that you can't feel it....

I love you. Did you know that?

I wrote a short poem for you. not nice

Before you I never understand 

What is the meaning of love

The love that you shower for me everyday was a wonderful feeling

You're like a chili that spice up my life with your hot love

Your love makes me feel safe and protected

Your love makes me feel supported

I can even do anything and everything for you

My dear hot stuff boyfriend.

BEING RANDOM: FINISH MY BLOG LOL

Today is the 14/12

Today I will go to JPN.
Today I will know my true IDENTITY.
Today I will learn about my PAST.
Today I will go and find you MOM n DAD.

Today I will go there ... will there be a GOOD NEWS?

Dad...

Hey Dad, 

I don't think we will ever meet. Maybe if we will I would just say exactly what I write now. You maybe out there  living your life. I'm here trying to live my life as well. I had a dream a big one. I wanna be rich. I wanna own a big company. Big ones. I wanna be rich using my talents so I don't have to count my money inside my bank account. I only wish someone would just take me out from this hell. Right now I don't know if I can keep my dreams any longer. Hahaha. Sucks to be poor and stupid. In debt with many people around me. Loan PTPTPN with rm15k including interest. I'm just writing all these things not to ask you any dime. Just that it could ease my pain now if you would just say, "Lin, just study hard don't think about others. People around you are not that poor. They can afford rm15k fees. Even I will be supporting you. Do you know how many people want you to keep dreaming? Many, and they love you. So don't worry." I would be much calmer if you say it rather than I do. I just don't want to comfort myself. It always fail. Hahaha. 

MOM

Hey mom, how are you? So you're happy now? I really wish you do. Mom, I'm 21 years old now. Did you know how fast time flies? Did you ever count my age? Mom, thanks. I may not know why you gave me up for adoption. I don't think you have to say anything. I know you want the best for me. I know you want to give me the life that I deserve to have. Thanks. I've always feel alone. When I was a kid I always knew I don't belong here. Everyone in the family look so different than me. There's no resemblance. Now I know why and I don't feel alone now. Right now, maybe you don't know what I'm trying to do. But I'm trying my best to find you and meet you. I don't have any leads yet but I won't give up and when we meet I want to introduce you to my boyfriend. He's a joker, handsome but he never know that, smart and always showing off his talents. When we meet, I want to get to know you more maybe we will have the awkwardness but I'm sure we work it out. Oh yeah, I travel a lot and pray that one day I will be rich and I could show you the world. Mom I won't leave you this time. I'm not a good daughter anyway but I love you even though I don't know you and I want to be together with you for more than 21 years. 

Tears of Joy

Hey, today is Tuesday. I wanna share a very interesting story. It's about me. Since I was a kid I've been longing for a normal family. I don't think the family I have right now was my real family. My parents never put much trust on me. My dad never really talk to me. My mum all she can do is find something wrong with me. Sometimes it's too easy for my dad to cut relationship with me for any trouble I cause. I always think they never treat me like I'm one of them just a freaking slave. Last week, on Friday, I finally have the courage to go to JPN Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara to find out my origin my real identity because I was a muslim my father's name is written as Abdullah instead of the father who raise me. I just went there, asking for my birth certificate just to know who is actually my biological parents. Guess what I do have a biological mother and her name was Lucy. I was so happy I just cried there. For 21 years, I've always feel so alone and that day I feel like I wasn't anymore. Then I ask them, can I get her full details. Where is she now? Who's my father? What race is she? Her religion? I was excited. There's was so many question I have in my mind. No one would actually understand how I feel. They were raise by their own family. So they don't really feel the joy I feel at that moment. They knew how happy I am and so they ask me to fill up some forms and they tried to do background check on my mother. I cried for almost 2 days. But I started to question myself, why did she gave me up for adoption? Why there was no record on my father? So what is my real name before the adoption? Are they still alive? Iban religion normally are Christian and Free Thinker. There was also a part of me think that before this I'm Christian and was raise as a Muslim? I just can't wait for the real document to arrive. I wanna know more about myself. I did share this story to some of my friends. Some of them said that I'm actually a bastard and that's why my mother gave me up for adoption. They also said that Iban people they have like some intercourse tradition and that's when they have me. It was just a mistake to have me. So they gave me up. Some say, I think your father is dead and what not probably everything happen during one night stand. As for me, I don't really care what my friends have to say. I don't think that I was born because of a mistake that my mom make. I went through my baby pictures, I didn't look like I was any mistake. I was happy and I don't think my mom would gave me up. I wanna believe that she did gave me up but only to let me have a better life that she could never give. I wanna believe that my parents still out there somewhere, happy and still do love me and still do remember me and who knows... my parents actually celebrating my birthday every year. I may have not seen my real mother in person but the tears that falls on my cheek says that my mother really really love me and she misses me everyday and I can feel that so deep in my heart.